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Saturday, January 29

Hendry, 2 others achieve Sainthood

St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican City: In a stirring ceremony, pontiff Pope John Paul II canonized 3 people to sainthood tonight in front of an overflow crowd of thousands during his weekly address.

The newly canonized saints of the Roman Catholic Church include Father John Todoo Ungallah of the Sudan, who managed to maintain a Dominican order of friars throughout a bloody, 21 year Sudanese civil war in which over 45% of the population of the country lost its life; Sister Mary Ludmilla of Siberia, who under Communist rule under Stalin in the 1930's, ministered to the sick in the Siberian labor camps, and lost her life to the hands of Russian troops as a result; and Jim Hendry, the General Manager of the Chicago Cubs National League Baseball team.

Hendry's ordination was quite controversial, since he is not Catholic and not even deceased. St. Jim, nominated by the Chicago Archdiocese, did however pass every empirical test demanded of Catholic saints, including the verified performance of three miracles.

In 2003, he traded the worthless drunken catcher Todd Hundley, and his enormous contract, to the Dodgers for Eric Karros and Mark Gruzdelanek, both of whom were instrumental to the Cubs coming within 5 outs of a World Series that year. In 2004, he was able to acquire future Hall-of-Fame shortstop Nomar Garciaparra for three loaves and four fishes.

His most recent miracle was literally selling coals to Newcastle. He was able to trade malcontent, clubhouse cancer, steroid shrunken, one-dimensional aging Latin DH Sammy Sosa to Baltimore, a team with nothing but a surplus of one-dimensional aging Latin DHs. A fourth possible miracle, his 2003 trade of Bobby Hill for Aramis Ramirez, is still under consideration.

"I truly am honored," began St. Jim, "to have received Sainthood from Pope John Paul. I understand that this is usually reserved for people who have died. I'm not dead yet, I don't think. I am excited about our prospects for the 2005 season, and I'm still examining further measures to improve our team. We wish Sammy nothing but the best", explained St. Jim magnanimously, "but we are excited by Jerry Hairston Jr's versatility and his ability to bat leadoff for us. We all remember the spark Kenny Lofton gave us in 2003, and we believe Jerry can do the same for us, with a lot less (griping)."

Reaction amongst the Catholic laity is mixed, as is reaction amongst Cub Fandom about the Sosa trade. St. Jim explained, "I am not surprised that some feel we should have gotten more for Sosa. That just proves the age-old adage that Cub fans always have a tendency to over-value our own.

"Season tickets are available now!"