9/28/2004 11:08:00 AM by Rob

Shit-smeared orphan ass-lickers

The saberweens at BP think that the Cubs have a 79.6% chance of going to the playoffs, which is pretty certain at this point in time.

They broke out the old tried-and-true last night. Bludgeon bad pitching with homers. When we do that, we win, like, 123% of our games. I'm just hoping that we can resurrect the old formula a few more times, and squeak into the big dance.

I'll leave the thoughtful analysis to fellas like Cub Reporter. Today, I'm going to tell you what I think of the St. Louis Cardinals, who rolled over like coke whores last night for Houston.

It's bad enough that we still have to worry about shit stains like Jeff Kent and Roger Clemens. But if we had a REAL commissioner, who gave a rat's ass about things like competition and fair play, there would be an order for the goddamned puke-spewing Cardinals to play ball this week. There's no way the two teams should be allowed to conspire to keep us out of the playoffs. This isn't the motherfucking WWF..this is baseball, Porter, we play on a real diamond. Except for Rolen, they're all a disgrace to the game.

It starts with the crank-cooking pudwhack who shits out the lineup card. Sure, fucking LaRussa hates the obnoxious Dusty Baker. But isn't it the true test of just how much of a maxi-pad LaRussa is, when he comes out of it looking way more fucked up than Baker? You don't see Dusty getting all red, spitting, waving around like a raghead fertility dancer. LaRussa is a filthy-ass pig who dives in dumpsters behind proctologist's offices looking for something to eat, and spends his off days wiping his scabby, infected dick all over the curtains in fancy restaurants in St. Louis.

You know, like Denny's, Flying J, and Jack-in-the-Box.

For those of you who want to point out that it's pretty impossible to see HOW red Dusty gets, fuck off, man, we're NOT talking about Dusty here, we're talking about the cockbreath manager of the deadbeat knuckle-dragging daughter-raping Saint Louis Cardinals.

I guess bending over and taking it up the ass is no problem for guys like Jim Edmonds and Steve Klein. After all, they've been doing it for years. It probably didn't take much for the AssTrolls to talk them into it. I don't get why Civil War Veteran Albert PooHoles is rolling over and dying. I would think someone in love with his stats like him would relish the chance to punch holes in the ragarm fucks Houston is rolling out there these days. When Marlon Anderson is your entire offense, you know you're laying down like straight-to-video cumsluts.

They already have guys on their roster named Cody, Carmen, Randy, Cal, and Woody. The rest of them should go ahead and change their names to 'Kip', 'Biff', and 'Hunter' and go straight to male facial porn.

Well, Edmonds doesn't have to. He's already a household name amongst the Gay community. As is So Taguchi.

Disclaimer: the Uncouth Sloth has nothing against Gayness and the Gay community, in and of itself. His objection is against persons who accept money for sexual favors, whether in front of a camera or in an alley. Since the members of the St. Louis Cardinals are male in gender, as are the members of the Houston Astros, and since the Cardinal players chose to subjugate themselves to the Houston players in a misguided attempt to help them finish ahead of the Cubs, the perhaps unfortunate comparisons to Gay porn participants was drawn. The Uncouth Sloth apologizes to law-abiding Gay persons who prefer to keep their private lives private.

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