7/13/2004 01:03:00 PM by Rob

The Sloth's Home Run Derby

Earthquakes, tornados. Just came up from the basement, after the 'all clear' sounded. It moved south of us, like the killer one in May. Hopefully, everyone drinking lunch in Utica today decided to LEAVE the hell-holes they were sitting in, rather than climbing down into the basements. This seems counter-intuitive, but if the eight people who died in the basement of the Millstone Bar-n-Grill would have just run for cover in their trailers, they would still be here, consuming Old Style. On ice.

Anyway, last night was doomed to fail for Sam-Me, because where is his power? Center field, and the Juice Box has the deepest CF in the leeg. Pull hitters like Bonds, Berkman, and Tejada feasted, and Sosa and Poppy Ortiz, straightaway bombers, watched 420 foot bombs fall harmlessly amongst the demon spawn of the all-stars themselves, including Moistus Alou's kid in his dad's third jersey.

Bill Simmons thinks the kids ought to be replaced by supermodels, a thought born doubtlessly in watching the reigning Miss USA:



...trying to play in the All-Star celebrity Softball game. This inbred bimbo is 26, has been the reigning Miss Missouri for at least three years, and finally got her act in place enough to win the whole enchilada. She had never picked up a bat before, and it looked like it. Embarrassing.

Anyway, I would love to see Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan get to the ball at the same time, and fighting on who gets to throw it back in to Amanda Bynes at short.

Trade talk is brewing, and I have the few short thoughts:
- I don't think we have a chance in hell of getting the Unit.
- I would LOVE to see us step up huge and pick up the Alpha Male of the Mid-Season Market...Carlos Belt....no, wait. Nomah! Just so I can say that we did it.
- That being said, we may be better off paying less for Orlando Cabrera, and hoping that he becomes Aramis 2004.
- When this is all said and done, we better have a closer. That to me is 10 times the priority a shortstop is.

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