7/29/2004 09:59:00 AM by Rob

Rickey and Farns go to White Castle

 


Cast of characters:

Rickey Williams - recently retired dopehead RB, Miami Dolphins
Kyle Farnsworth - incredibly mulletted reliever, Chicago Cubs
Daaa Coooaaccchhh - former NFL coach, TV commercial whore
John Cho - The MILF Guy, star of "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"
Kal Penn - the other star of "Harold and Kumar"
Neil Patrick Harris - Doogie Howser!! and co-star of "Harold and Kumar"
Seann Patrick Scott - Stifler in the movies, flaming homo in real life
Sammy Sosa - sideshow fraud, Chicago Cubs
LaTroy Hawkins - sackless fruitcake, Chicago Cubs
Dusty Baker - old stoner, Chicago Cubs
Dave Wannstedt - clueless possessor of lopsided pornstache, Miami Dolphins

Rickey and Kyle share hits from a giant glowing bong.

Rickey - Dude! (makes sucking noise, bong gurgles) The NFL drug policy is hella harsh!
Kyle - I feel ya, man, we smoke all we want, and sleep it off until the seventh inning. (sucks from bong, bong goes out) Fuck man, pieceashit..(flicks lighter)
Rickey - Dude!!  I quit!  Can I have a job with you, like, pinch running or something?
Kyle - Dunno. Lemme ask.  YO, DUSTAAY??!?
Dusty - Dude, slide that ovah fo' a brutha, huh?
Kyle - Uhhh, yeah, sure, man.  Gotta light it first.
Dusty - No sweat. (Lights bong, bong gurgles) Sssssah!  Ahh, yeahhhh...
Rickey - Uhh, Mister Dusty, dude?  Can I have a job?  I quit mine.
Dusty - Dude?  Can you close?
LaTroy - (looking at scouting notebook, sweating profusely, hyperventilating) Even...or Odd Bus?  Even.....or.....even or....bus odd....
John - Dude? Where's my car?
Kal - Where's the car, dude?
Seann - Dude?
John - Step back, flamer!!
Kal - Go drink some more piss, double 'n'!
Seann - Dude, it's DOOGIE HOWSER!!
Neil - (enveloped by radiant aura, which hums quietly in the light) Dudes!  The Cubs are on in five minutes!
John - Coolness! Is it on WGN, Fox, SportsNet, or the U?  I can never find the shit...
Dusty, Kyle, and LaTroy - (laughing hysterically) Dudes!!  We ain't even dressed!
Sammy - I wan sum of the luuve!
Seann - (licking lips, encirlcling his fingers around Sammy's bicep) Mmmm, dude.  I'll give you the LUUVE!
Sammy - (white as a ghost) I don wan your luuve, Buddy!
Da Cooaaccchhh - (pointing at Seann) Hey, punk! Come over here and love me, and I'll WHIP YER ASS!
Seann - (Besides himself in pleasurable anticipation) Oooooooh!!!
Rickey - (Having a flashback of the time he and Coaccchhh posed for ESPN Magazine) Always thought dude was weird...
Kyle - (taking another hit) Dude, I can't close either.  That's haaard!  I puke in my mouth in the ninth inning!
Rickey - Dude, save some for us, and you won't puke!
Wanny - (Bursts into the clubhouse) Opppp!  Rickey, get oppp!  You're a ronner, a leader and a player!!  You'll be foyne! Opppp!
Rickey - No can do, coach.  I gotta find myself.  There's more to life than football.
Wanny - (suffering mental breakdown from the apparent heresy he just heard) Opppp.  OPPPPP!!!!
Dusty - Dude, we're already late for the game.
Kyle - Dude!  (drawing yet another hit)  We're already losing!
Rickey - Dude, I'm not watching this game unless we go to White Castle. (sucks the bong)
Dusty - (wistfully) Ahh, yeah, those succulent little burgers, cooked over the bed of onions, on a steamed bun...
LaTroy - YO, man!  Fuck da game!!  Let's get some sliders!
Coaccchh - Hey, punk!!  Dat's yer problem.  Get yer head in da game!
John - Yooo, dude!  Notice this is a sausage-fest?
Kal - Dude! We are outie...(movie stars leave)
Sammy - (Dragging bat back to dugout) Him cannot strike me out?  Me and Mark Maguire, in 98 we savea de beisboll....
Kyle - zzzzzzzz.....
LaTroy - ....odd or even busses...
Dusty - (refilling the bong) Yo, Grud, dude.  Grab a bat...

 

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