It started out as a Cub blog with cuss words. I'm still cussin'; it's the Cub part I'm a little squishy on these days.

The Sloth is not intended for younger or sensitive readers!

Illini Basketball
Bruce, we gave you tha keys, and THIS is what you brought home?

¿Dónde está mi dinero, las rameras?

Site Meter

Thursday, July 29

Rickey and Farns go to White Castle


Cast of characters:

Rickey Williams - recently retired dopehead RB, Miami Dolphins
Kyle Farnsworth - incredibly mulletted reliever, Chicago Cubs
Daaa Coooaaccchhh - former NFL coach, TV commercial whore
John Cho - The MILF Guy, star of "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"
Kal Penn - the other star of "Harold and Kumar"
Neil Patrick Harris - Doogie Howser!! and co-star of "Harold and Kumar"
Seann Patrick Scott - Stifler in the movies, flaming homo in real life
Sammy Sosa - sideshow fraud, Chicago Cubs
LaTroy Hawkins - sackless fruitcake, Chicago Cubs
Dusty Baker - old stoner, Chicago Cubs
Dave Wannstedt - clueless possessor of lopsided pornstache, Miami Dolphins

Rickey and Kyle share hits from a giant glowing bong.

Rickey - Dude! (makes sucking noise, bong gurgles) The NFL drug policy is hella harsh!
Kyle - I feel ya, man, we smoke all we want, and sleep it off until the seventh inning. (sucks from bong, bong goes out) Fuck man, pieceashit..(flicks lighter)
Rickey - Dude!!  I quit!  Can I have a job with you, like, pinch running or something?
Kyle - Dunno. Lemme ask.  YO, DUSTAAY??!?
Dusty - Dude, slide that ovah fo' a brutha, huh?
Kyle - Uhhh, yeah, sure, man.  Gotta light it first.
Dusty - No sweat. (Lights bong, bong gurgles) Sssssah!  Ahh, yeahhhh...
Rickey - Uhh, Mister Dusty, dude?  Can I have a job?  I quit mine.
Dusty - Dude?  Can you close?
LaTroy - (looking at scouting notebook, sweating profusely, hyperventilating) Even...or Odd Bus?  Even.....or.....even or....bus odd....
John - Dude? Where's my car?
Kal - Where's the car, dude?
Seann - Dude?
John - Step back, flamer!!
Kal - Go drink some more piss, double 'n'!
Seann - Dude, it's DOOGIE HOWSER!!
Neil - (enveloped by radiant aura, which hums quietly in the light) Dudes!  The Cubs are on in five minutes!
John - Coolness! Is it on WGN, Fox, SportsNet, or the U?  I can never find the shit...
Dusty, Kyle, and LaTroy - (laughing hysterically) Dudes!!  We ain't even dressed!
Sammy - I wan sum of the luuve!
Seann - (licking lips, encirlcling his fingers around Sammy's bicep) Mmmm, dude.  I'll give you the LUUVE!
Sammy - (white as a ghost) I don wan your luuve, Buddy!
Da Cooaaccchhh - (pointing at Seann) Hey, punk! Come over here and love me, and I'll WHIP YER ASS!
Seann - (Besides himself in pleasurable anticipation) Oooooooh!!!
Rickey - (Having a flashback of the time he and Coaccchhh posed for ESPN Magazine) Always thought dude was weird...
Kyle - (taking another hit) Dude, I can't close either.  That's haaard!  I puke in my mouth in the ninth inning!
Rickey - Dude, save some for us, and you won't puke!
Wanny - (Bursts into the clubhouse) Opppp!  Rickey, get oppp!  You're a ronner, a leader and a player!!  You'll be foyne! Opppp!
Rickey - No can do, coach.  I gotta find myself.  There's more to life than football.
Wanny - (suffering mental breakdown from the apparent heresy he just heard) Opppp.  OPPPPP!!!!
Dusty - Dude, we're already late for the game.
Kyle - Dude!  (drawing yet another hit)  We're already losing!
Rickey - Dude, I'm not watching this game unless we go to White Castle. (sucks the bong)
Dusty - (wistfully) Ahh, yeah, those succulent little burgers, cooked over the bed of onions, on a steamed bun...
LaTroy - YO, man!  Fuck da game!!  Let's get some sliders!
Coaccchh - Hey, punk!!  Dat's yer problem.  Get yer head in da game!
John - Yooo, dude!  Notice this is a sausage-fest?
Kal - Dude! We are outie...(movie stars leave)
Sammy - (Dragging bat back to dugout) Him cannot strike me out?  Me and Mark Maguire, in 98 we savea de beisboll....
Kyle - zzzzzzzz.....
LaTroy - ....odd or even busses...
Dusty - (refilling the bong) Yo, Grud, dude.  Grab a bat...