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Friday, July 23

Fuck you too, Darin

If anything, accuse me of ripping off Christian Ruzich, because it was from he who I literally copied the front page of the original UC. 

I'll address the real issue in a minute, which is the fact that you are a Cardinal fan, or else why would you accuse me of being JEALOUS of those rejects?

I'm jealous of Andy Dolan, sure.  I'm not trying to copy him, because there already is one of him, and I don't think they need two.  He manages to be funny and witty, without having to resort to obscenity.  So yeah, I wish I COULD write as well as he does.  I'm not sure, though, on what grounds you think I copy from him. 

Number one, he loves Sammy, I couldn't stand him from the day we traded for his phony ass.  You have no idea how many times I wished that it would have been Mark Grace, Damon Berryhill or Rafael Palmiero who would have grew up and hit the 66 homers for us.  Instead, I am stuck with his face as The Face of the Cubs.  That bugs me.

Number two, he is all about the wild card, I'm not.  It is pointless for me to pin my hopes on something which 12 other teams are gunning for.  Our odds are slimmer, much slimmer than they were in April, when the task was to beat 5 teams, three of which were supposed to suck.

Number three, he wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it, because unlike me, he writes as if he were making money at this, whereas my hope is that someday, we are going to somehow get over seeing Janet Jackson's tit on TV, our current (lack of) freedoms will be relaxed, and there will be a niche someday for a guy who drops an occassional fuck and shit every now and then.

I love Andy, but I am sensitive about the fact that I sound too much like him.  That is one thing I am trying to avoid.

As for this year, if you can still "have fun" going to the games at this point, fine.  I too spent many years going to games when we were 27 games out of the race, buying as many beers as my wallet allowed, and waiting for Dawson, Sandberg, or anyone else in the blue to hit one at me. 

I have just been disappointed once too many times.  Now, I take blood pressure medicine, I have to get yearly physicals including butt checks, and I get to sign up for over-40 softball leagues.  In other words, it might be a stretch, but I can punch out anytime at this point.  I've had high-school classmates die of natural causes, and I WANT TO SEE A PENNANT BEFORE I DIE!

And Darin, this dog isn't gonna hunt.  Besides, why are you accusing me of being jealous of Cardinal fans?  Shit, my car has no rust, I don't live in a floodplain, and I've never had to resort to eating roadkill, drinking anything made in my backyard, or marrying a mosquito.  Their team may win, which helps them forget about the fact that the Mississippi River is flowing under their house and knocking some of the cinder blocks off of one corner of the trailer.

Feel free to e-mail me any phraseology that sounds too much like Andy Dolan, Christian Ruzich, James Crockett, Dennis & Scott, or anyone else out there.  Continuous improvement is key, and I welcome constructive criticism.

Not that shit you pinched out.