7/09/2004 02:20:00 PM by Rob

ALL PANIC SYSTEMS SWITCH TO STAND-BY

See, the main problem is that the Evil Satanic Red Fowl is too good. Man for man, they suck, on paper. So Taguchi? The rotting corpse of Ray Lankford? LeAnn Womack? And the only backup catcher worse than Gabor Bako?

They shouldn't win, they couldn't win...but win they do, and what, exactly, is going to stop them?

Normally you could count on a J.D. Drew injury to knock them silly. They rid themselves of that problem this offseason, and I TOLD ALL OF YOU it was a BITCHIN' trade for them. He was a cancer, what with his reputation and his injuries...he was softer than a buncha priests watching lesbo porn.

The only chance they have of getting clipped is by us...and there are only a few more chances for us to do so, at this point in time. In fact, we gotta get it done this month, or forget about it. We don't play them after July.

Most of the civilized Cub world is holding on tightly to the hope that after the all-star break, we will be hale and hearty and winning games at an increased pace. Now, these include some guys who I wouldn't normally accuse of having Blue Kool-Aid mustaches. You know I don't cotton to a buncha Pollyannas who come out every day and CHEER! for Sammy, but some guys who I look up to are telling me to relax.

But...But...

With 78 games to go, if the Buzzards go 39-39, we would have to go 46-32. That's .590 baseball. That's only if the Cardinals suffer a significant drop in their current productivity. Chances are, we are going to have to play ABOVE .600 ball to win this thing.

Dusty thinks Derrek Lee is going to hit 19 homers in the second half. He also thinks Sosa is going to hit 26, and Alou is going to stem a 6-week slump and hit .330 the rest of the way.

We haven't even been able to discuss how inadequate LaTroy Hawkins is as a closer. If I were Cubs management, I would sit him down for a valuable heart-to-heart, to ask him if he would be offended if Ugie Urbina showed up one day. I bet he would exhale, deeply, and yelp "Thank You, God!"

BTW: POLL RESULTS: A dead even tie between the yummy Southsider sandwich, and the disgusting Northside ham-n-pepperoni disaster. The shitwich came in a distant third.

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