4/30/2004 09:07:00 AM by Rob

Today's top ten list

From the Home Offices in South Sioux City, IA, comes today's Top ten list:

The TOP TEN THINGS I WOULD RATHER BE THAN A CARDINAL FAN

10. A fallen Catholic priest, under indictment in seven counties for sexual assault on young boys

9. Michael Jackson, and isn't that basically the same thing?

8. A janitor who has to scrub these toilets before I get to go home

7. J. Lo's personal assistant #17, a/k/a the lackey in charge of throwing rose petals along the path of anywhere J. Lo walks, on call 24/7

6. Hamburger James, who according to Elvis lore not only had to fly anywhere in the US at a moment's notice to procure the King's favorite meals, but also had to wipe the King's royal ass when he got to be too big to reach around himself

5. This lunatic who drove around for 10 days with her dead ma riding shotgun.

4. The shit-tastic Matthew Hale, self-avowed leader of White Power, who is going to go to prison, and large angry minority inmates are, as we speak, beating the shit out of one another, for the right to take this weaselly little prick as his prison bride.

3. You know, in those truly pointless new Burger King commercials? Where all the nerds stand around, waiting for today's chosen one to pass out the sandwiches? And there's the most geeked out of them all, the one who sniffs his co-workers' wrappers, copies his boss' sandwich order, and just acts like a complete mentally challenged asshat, every day? Yeah, him

2. Oprah. And hey, who WOULDN'T want to be Oprah?

1. And the number one thing I would rather be than a Cardinal fan?

Calvin Schiraldi.

I shouldn't have to explain that one any further.

Anyway, I hate the Cardinals, I hate the dumb little birds on their uniform shirt, I hate the self-described Geeeenyous, their manager, Tony LaRussa, which rhymes with LOOOSAHHH!



I hate Fredbird, who looks like he is about to jack this old lady for her social security check, so he can go get crunk with Ray Lankford and his crew.

I hate Al Hrabosky, brain damaged moron. I'm sick and dog-assed tired of 'the Wizard of Oz'. I hate Joe Buck, Jack Buck, and Jack Buck's dad, whoever he is. I hate Stan 'the Man', and his shitty restaurants, and his stupid-assed statue. I hate Albert PooHoles, Matt Morris, and the pus-engorged Steve Klein. I hate all Anheuser-Busch beer products, fried ravioli, shitty-assed cracker-crust pizza, and their decrepit-assed arch. I hate Nelly, Yogi Berra, Darius Miles, and anything else that comes from the armpit of America.

I even hate the god-damned Mississippi River, because it flows past St. Louis.

But, I'd rather have all my teeth pulled out, wear flood-water overalls, and sleep with my sister, than have to be called a White Sox fan.

Just to keep things in perspective here. I mean, there's hate, and then there's just being a subhuman, lower than life glue-sniffin' scumbag.

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