4/15/2004 10:28:00 AM by Rob

Mark Prior Update

THIS JUST IN: Mark Prior wiped his own ass. Mark reports "no ill effects" afterwards, saying that he felt fine, clean, and that his wife appreciates not having to use the Shout on his boxers anymore.

Mark also threw off a mound, albeit ten pitches. Ten pitches? How long did that take? If it took any more than a minute and a half, then he must have been up there masturbating. He says that he felt fine after that, too, and that he is unappreciative of media reports saying otherwise.

Well, big guy? Your team is coming off the blocks slowly, yet you are still out there taking micro-baby-steps. I don't want you to rush yourself back, heavens no! But understand that you have a fan base who hasn't won dick in 100 years, you are the single most important person on our team, and this achilles shit has been dragging on for almost two months already.

Forgive us if we seem impatient, if we seem overly concerned, and if we seem to feel sorry for ourselves. Cub fans are the most snake bit fuckers breathing air, and great big thick books have been written about past Cub phenoms who have blown out their arms, forgot how to hit breaking balls, fell off of bicycles, developed full-blown cases of diabetes, died in plane crashes, and otherwise tanked. Do us a favor.

Just ignore the shit you read and hear for awhile. We ain't gonna be happy until we see your big ol' ass out there, and if it takes another month, well, just don't turn on the sports radio when you're driving to work. Play some of your CDs.

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