4/16/2004 09:59:00 AM by Rob

The Great Zamboni

In the hot summer of 1965, Juan Marichal picked up a baseball bat during a game and whacked John Roseboro with it. (In an ironic twist, Juan Marichal translates in English to....John Rosebush! Almost the same as Roseboro...does this qualify as self-abuse? I think so)

Someday, soon, this will pale in comparison to what Carlos Zambrano does to someone.

We all love Z, because he cares. He's hotheaded, he's competitive, he says nasty things about the AssTrolls and the Deadbirds. For all of us cynics who spend their days pouring out frustrations because today's athelete doesn't seem to care, this guy restores our faith, and reminds us why we love this game so much.

He's not the best pitcher we have, but he fights the hardest. Whereas Prior mows them down with swift efficiency, Maddux fools 'em, and Wood (frequently) and Clement (occassionally) scares them with sheer brute strength, Z digs the holes, then claws his big ass out of them. Someday he is going to learn how to PITCH, and it is going to be interesting to see if it actually helps or hurts him to lose his edge.

But, right now, his edge is the most entertaining part of 2004 Cubs Baseball. You watch, no matter what, because you half expect that he is going to stomp off of the mound, grab someone by the throat, and squeeze the shit out of his earholes! And it might be the opposing batter...or the ump...or his own catcher...or Dusty...or whoever is unfortunate enough to stand closest to him.

I can't wait for the next time he pitches against the Giants. Steroid Bonds crushed one off of him in Arizona. You just know first time up, Z is gonna stick one right up his ass...and then we're going to see the Irresistable Latino Tornado vs. the Incredible Armored Hulk. Can't wait. Wrasslin' and baseball in one colorful, high-definition package.

I hope Z gives him the barrio beatdown Bonds so richly deserves. Then, I can sit in my skivvies in bed and watch it over and over again on ESPNews, with one hand down my pants, and the other hand wrapped around a sausage....McGriddle!

Good times.

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