4/10/2004 11:38:00 AM by Tommy

15 Innings

I managed to catch the third through the thirteenth innings last night. Slept through the first couple (Dracula) and had to work, and the bastards wouldn't switch the radio station to the local Braves affiliate.

But in the time between the beginning and end of the game, I was married, had four kids (the triplets, Happiness, Joy and Wonder...and my crosseyed mute boy Festus), won the Presidency of Mexico, went to Disneyland twice, ate my weight in Godfathers Pizza and got divorced with my former wife Rachel Weisz getting custody of the kids.

Let me talk about these assholes at work. They say stuff to me like: We don't like baseball. And: It's boring.

Well, I don't like listening to your stupid asses all night, but I'm polite enough to listen to you prattle on about American Idol, your mother's masectomy and just how well the newly divorced 47 year old playa is getting on in the dating world.

And I especially don't like covering for that playa's dumb ass when he sneezes and shits in his pants. That mess ain't right, any which way you cover it. The more I think about it, the more I'm pissed that I got outvoted. I do more in a night than any two of those motherfuckers. I ought to get to choose the radio station, and turn it up doubly as loud.

But I did hear on the newsbreak that the Cubs had won in 15, so I did quite a bit of a happy dance. That's right. I laid out the cardboard and broke it down old school.

As for the Cubs? It's nice winning, fellers. And beating John Smoltz is pretty nifty....who the hell "locates pitches too well?" Have you heard John trying to play down the whole thing where he tried to iron a shirt while wearing it? He says he was simply turning a steamer on, and got some of the scalding water on him.

Some of us remember the interviews from the early nineties, where he talked about the tinfoil under the shirt, to keep from burning while he ironed it....and that it was something he'd done without incident before.....

Let me just bring a number up. I'm not a numbers guy, so this is all very alien to my dumb ass.

Two runs, right?

Twelve hits, and eight walks, right?

We put 18 guys on base who never scored?

God damn. I misses me some Kenny Lofton.

I just don't want to go through another season of waiting for the batting order to get hot.

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