1/13/2004 10:40:00 AM by Rob

Nope, that wasn't it

Oh well.

Anyway, it is my turn to comment on the Rocket landing in Houston.

All I really give a fig about is the Cubs, and if you take Hendry at his word, the signing of Clemens has nothing to do with the Cubs pursuing Greg Maddux. Of course, I think Hendry is a stinking liar, and if the Houston signing suddenly causes us to go get Maddux, then that's good for me. I still don't think this is going to put us over the top. But, I gotta admit, it will be so freakin' cool to see him win his 300th here, to watch him stick it to the Deadbirds, to the Braves, and yes, the Gotdam Marlins.

Plus, there is a new newspaper ad campaign entitled "Fo(u)r Starters" with the studs all pictured in a row. You'd hafta squeeze Mad Dog in there if he comes with us, and that would just lick me underneath!

What must it feel like to hit Cub pitching?

Batting against Wood must be like getting beat up by a sick, sadistic school bully. The bastard is hitting you as hard as he can, he's hitting you in the face so it shows, he's leaving welts and maybe even breaking bones. Going against Prior is like getting run over by a car. It hits fast, and you know you didn't have a chance. A game against Z is like one of those long, drawn out fights that lasts about six days, and maybe you win, maybe you don't, but at the end, you can't even stand up, you're so Goddamned tired.

And then Maddux walks in, with his specs and his pea shooter. You're laughing your ass off, then he starts shooting it right at your eyes, and while you're crying and rubbing, he then walks up and kicks you, once, right in the fucking gootch. You immediately crumple up in a fetal position, coughing in the oft chance that maybe your balls would clear out of your throat. And he just goes back to stinging you with his cockshifting pea shooter.

Having Maddux around WOULD rock.

As for duh Rocket, well, I only see him winning 8 games this year. Yes, I know he won more games last year than Maddux. He has more stuff at this point than Maddux. But he has never had to bat for himself...to run for himself...and either somebody like Wood, Zambrano or maybe that psychotic tacoshell Tavarez in St Louis is gonna drill him in his big bubble head. Either that, or the big fat genetic freak is gonna pop a hammy running out a dribbler to second. Either way, I say he only makes 20 starts, and ends up a non-factor.

Which is not to say that the AssTrolls won't be good, because they're gonna be right there all year. Anyone who says that the Cubs are "far and away" the best team in the division, let alone the whole NL, is strung out on so much Oxycodone that Rush Limbaugh wants to suck your Rick for a second-hand buzz.

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