1/20/2004 10:00:00 AM by Rob

I promise I won't do that too often

But, people, you came through very nicely, and I'm always glad to know what is on your minds.

Wigs, I will e-mail you presently.

The other topics I will hit upon today are, in this order:

1) Whither Grud and Walker?
2) Who do we want Kerry Wood to kill, in the line of duty?
3) Why does anyone give a tittyfuck about Paris Hilton?

The notion of why we have two second basemen is an important one. I truly believe that the answer is "true platoon".

In relative terms, both Grud and Walker are 'old skool'...and both of them have some sort of idea of how they would be worshipped into eternity if THEY were part of the roster of The Cub Team that finally wins the World Series. There certainly seems to be the belief throughout the organization, from the front office, to Dusty and, most importantly, the players themselves, that this is THE year. So the idea of a platoon sounds almost glorious right now. The ceiling on such a thing...maybe you get 15 homers and a .320 average from the leadoff spot. Sounds good. But what happens when they realize after a month or two that their ABs are cut in half, or more in Grud's case, since he's the right-handed half? Will the good feelings continue? Or will they pollute the team with misery?

I am thoroughly disgusted with today's athletes, and I don't trust ANY of them to actually operate in the spirit of team harmony and personal sacrifice. So I don't see the platoon working. Let them surprise me.

Who deserves a fastball shoved up his ass?

We'll start with Roger Clemens. Matt Morris also has been asking for it for awhile. They are charter members of the Snap-On Tools Dildo Society. Fuck 'em both, and make them eat fishheads.

Barry Bonds, fer sure. When they play the Sux, they can drop Jose Valentin. Not because he made fun of Sosa and his kiss-blowing. I thought that was funny. Just hit him and convince him that there's no place in the league for his big overrated ass. I'd hit Frank Thomas, too, but at this point in time, it would just...be...sad.

Luis Gonzalez. Hey, Gonzo. You were a limp-ass noodle for us, but you shoot da juice for AZ? Here goes: FFFFFSSSSSSSSSHHH!

Yo, Chipper? Wanna know what Hooters has on special this week? FFFFSSSSHHH!

Jeromy Burnitz? What, ya trying to take a shortcut heah? Play in Denver to inflate your stats, so you can screw somebody else over? FFFFSSSSSSSHHH! Whap!

Of course, Juan Pierre. Little fuckin' gnat....and, oh yes. Let's all kneel and prostrate ourselves in front of the future HOF tandem of the "Killer Bees", Bags and Beege. Boys...ever heard of Trammel and Whittaker? Thought so...FFFFSSSSSHH! Whap! Whap! (Nice shot, Woody. Two in one. Granted, it made it easier that you could throw right at Bagwell's crotch, and hit them both...)

About ten years ago, TV was just LOUSY with cop shows, buddy cop shows, ensemble cop shows, crafty old detectives, crooked cops, funny cops, cops that could pop into the future. "Give us something else!!!" we cried. Network executives, desperate, looked at the great bastions of culture for inspiration.

The BBC, and MTV.

So now, we have "reality" on a nightly basis. Dating reality. House arrest reality. Bug eating, shit-swimming, stunt-car driving reality. So Fox, the people who brought you "Who's the Daddy" DNA-testing reality, decides they want to find the most vapid, shallow moron on legs and plunk them down in a small town for Green-Acres-type laffs! Hilarious!

Since Eva Gabor was a woman, the moron has to be female. Formula! She has to be rich, young, totally mind-numbingly clueless. We need Royalty! Well, this IS America...we have none. Except the Kennedy's, I guess, but since John-John and the rapes, they are most recently camera shy.

Well, how bout heiresses? How bout Tommy Hilfiger's daughter? Not dumb enough, plus her friend is Too Jewish looking. Well, that leaves one of the Hiltons. Hey, Paris is down with it...plus her friend is real slutty, a drug addict, plus she's Lionel Richie's daughter. PERFECT!! Rack 'em.

I can't think of too many men of my acquaintence who think Paris Hilton is attractive. I think it's mostly girls. I think she is one of those "girls think she's beautiful" things, you know, the real strange looking girl that may have one feature: a narrow waist, a nice chin, unusual eyes, that the other girls wish they had. She's soooo damn skinny, and knowing what we know now, it wouldn't be worth fucking her, since you'd have to wear so many rubbers at once, to protect yourself from the creepin' crud, that you wouldn't feel a thing. God knows you're not gonna get any rocking motion out of her, and it isn't like she's going to, like, act interested in you, either.

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