12/09/2003 10:04:00 AM by Rob

Without any news to report on, what can we talk about?

I know: three-input turkey hens!

Do I have to really explain to anyone here the notion of "three-input"? And, to be honest, they aren't talking "three input", but "three position", but I have been known to take any level of filth to a new, filthier level.

From Dave Barry's Annual Holiday Gift Guide:

`Love triangle' turkey decoy set

$54.98 from Cabelas, One Cabela Dr., Sidney, Neb. 69160-9555, phone: 800-237-4444, Internet: www.cabelas.com.

(Suggested by Ed Kavanaugh of Durham, N.C.)

Each year, we like to include some kind of sportsperson item in the Holiday Gift Guide, because we frankly cannot believe the amount of thought that sportspersons put into the problem of how to outwit animals with the intelligence of cheese mold.

This year, we're pleased to present the "Love Triangle" flock of turkey decoys, which consists of three decoys, named (we swear) "Aggressive Jake," "Passive Jake" and "Three-Position Hen."

That's right: It's two guys and a gal, and the idea is that the sportsperson can position them in various ways, depending on which part of the mating season it is, to make the decoys appear more realistic to actual turkeys, which will then approach and be shot in a sportspersonlike manner by the sportsperson.

We don't understand the technical details. We were only dimly aware that turkeys even had sex. And we don't want to know what is meant by the term "three-position hen." But if you know somebody who does, that person really, really needs this gift.

I could not actually find the three-position hen in the "turkey decoys" section, but I don't think you could actually make this up. For if you could, then you are far, far sicker than I ever could hope to be.

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