12/03/2003 10:45:00 AM by Rob

Wild Ass Predictions, Volume IX

All in favor of signing LaTroy Hawkins for $4M per...

I'm just sitting there with hy hands in my lap

C'mon? He's the best available reliever, and he wanted 5 million!

I still think the money would have been better spent on hitting. Why didn't we let one of the Fine Young Prospects show us that they can do what Hawkins does, for a tenth of the price?

OK, let me rephrase the question. All those who think LaTroy Hawkins is good?

My hand shoots up!

All those in favor of letting him close games, leave your hands up.

Back down into my lap. Which is the point: another $4M for a guy who throws ungodly heat, but cannot close? We got one of those, Ol' Cap'n Tightpants, Fiddy Cent, Kyle Farns #44....for half the money!

Besides, don't bother me. I gots my tea leaves, my crystals, and my magic 8-ball, and I'm trying to predict the 25-man for opening day.

The 8-ball, in particular, is never wrong, and after painstaking logical elimination using YES and NO questioning, here is the 25-man roster for Your 2004 Defending NL Central Champeen Chicago Cubs!

Mark Prior
Kerry Wood
Juan Cruz
Matt Clement
Wilson Alvarez
Mark Remlinger
LaTroy Hawkins
Ricardo Rincon
Todd Wellmeyer
Joe Borowski
Hector Almonte
Derrek Lee
Jose Vidro
Alex Gonzalez
Aramis Ramirez
Geoff Blum
Ramon Martinez
Damian Miller
Paul Bako
Jose Cruz, Jr.
Sammy Sosa
Moises Alou
Tom Goodwin
Randall Simon
Jason DuBois

Remaining Acquistions:
Farnsworth, Zambrano and PTBNL for Almonte, Vidro and PTBNL from Expos
Vidro - second base God
Almonte - Alfucksucka look-alike
Jose Cruz, Jr. - free agent, fill in for Corey Patterson (DL)
Tom Goodwin - free agent, fourth OF extraordinare
Geoff Blum - free agent, utility man
Jason DuBois - Arizona Fall League sensation
Wilson Alvarez - free agent, LHP 5th starter with something to prove
Ricardo Rincon - free agent, LOOGY

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