10/16/2003 09:28:00 AM by Rob

Whoever said white guys can't sing the blues, must not be a Cub fan

I hereby declare the 2003 season a success, with conditions.

What did we learn from the playoff run, besides the fact that there are certain Cub fans, not all of them named Steve Bartman of Northbrook, IL, who works at Hewitt Associates of Lincolnshire, IL, and thinks that his need to go home with a $10 baseball is more important than the Cubs winning a pennant, yes, there are certain fans who are complete fuckwads and need to find more suitable entertainment, like smoking a cheeba and trying to whack off with super glue, or maybe going to a Sux game?

We learned that we cannot count on Prior and Wood the way the D-backs leaned on Schilling and Unit in 2001, just ask Sandy Koufax (Don Drysdale is pushing up daisies) how many rings he has? We need to do a better job in finding bullpen talent...names and money alone do not mean quality.

We indeed learned that Dusty is not the Messiah, and in fact, doesn't have a clue as to how to handle a pitching staff. I still think staying with the regular rotation was the right thing to do, but everything else, from his misuse of Remlinger, to his obsession with Alfucksucka, to the lack of development of the Manwhore named Kyle, and ending with his inability to understand that perhaps he, too, should have some of his starters warming up in the 4th inning when it was clear to one and all that Kerry Wood just...didn't...have it last night, suggests that he should delegate the pitching staff to Larry Rothschild.

We learned who performs well under pressure, and who does not. We learned that Tom Goodwin is a nice man to have on the bench, and we also learned that Randall Simon is NOT a nice man to give even a platoon role to. We learned that Grud was playing over his head most of the year, we learned that we need a real catcher if at all possible, since the 8 hole has become even more of an automatic out than the 9 hole. The 7 hole, with so-called slick fielder Alex Gonzalez, is almost there, too.

We learned that E-Ramis isn't too bad, Kenny Lofton probably deserves another one-year deal, and that Moises Alou is a pretty nice ballplayer. I'd keep them all.

We learned that Eric Karros is a nice guy, and I don't know where he is from, originally, but I hope the team close to there throws him a few bucks to go play there next year.

We learned that Carlos Zambrano may be, in fact, just 22, because he acts like he's 11.

Most of all, and I cannot stress this enough, and in fact count on a long winter of more of the same, but the day that Sammy fucking Sosa leaves town will be the next best day of my life! Did you see Pudge? THAT'S how Superstars play in the playoffs. That son-of-a bitch beat us himself, well, him and Josh Beckett and Miguel Cabrera, who is just too fucking good.

To me, the big stud Pitcher in today's world is no longer Mark Prior, it's Josh Beckett.

To me, the big $17 million loser who only plays for himself, who only got like 5 postseason RBI when Pudge had nearly 20, who does NOT pull his weight, earn his keep or play like a star, an teammate or a man, is Sammy. Where was he in games 5 through 7? Where were the big clutch hits? Where was the superhuman effort? When you make 25% of the team's payroll, you need to do at least that much, and he did slightly less than Alou, Ramirez, or even Gonzalez, for Christ's sake.

If I were GM, my first, second, third and only priority is to see how much he is worth on the trade market, and I would give up almost anything to get rid of him.

He sucks, he blows, he is a dick, a pussy, a cock, a fudgepacker, an asshole, a no-good lousy cockbreath ass-bleeding pus-blowing cum-soaked fly-borne disease.

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